I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand it when someone asks about my interests. Well, hell. I’m interested in staying alive. I like feeding myself. Sex feels good. What the hell do you mean what am I interested in? Maybe you should have asked, “what do you like to put in front of you whenever you need a distraction from the dark, inevitable meaningless of life?” Ah, ok. That’s an understandable question I can give an answer to.
Unless you’re really into nihilism, most of us do have things that we tend to enjoy more so than others. If you’re like me, a nihilist but also not so dead and cold-hearted on the inside that you can’t allow yourself to be happy ever, well, you might have some interests, but maybe you’re just too ashamed and insecure to admit how much you like them. Perhaps they just make you so damn happy, that it’s just too embarrassing to admit to anyone else. Well, I’m such a nihilist that I don’t mind sharing what makes me happy because we’re all slowly dying anyway. So what’s the harm?
Here’s my fucking ‘happy’ list:
5 things I hate to admit I really enjoy:
5. The View
I love those ladies. There’s the cranky black one, the funny old one, the conservative white one, and then there may be one or two more can’t-tell-what-they-are-but-they’re-pretty-maybe-latina?-in-betweener ones who aren’t really all that discernible to be honest. I love that show, though. In fact, it’s kind of a pipe dream of mine to be a stay-at-home-parent and work from home. I could write blogs and take breaks to watch The View live in real time as it airs on TV everyday.
They just talk and talk about whatever happens to be hitting the interwebs. Lately it’s been mostly Trump, sometimes maybe someone like Clooney, or sometimes they even discuss their own personal lives. They talk so much about the most pointless shit, I could just lie back and listen all day. Their exchanges are like symphonies of every version of my own mother I’ve ever known throughout my life talking all at once about the current events. Except what makes The View special is that all the opinions differ in variation with their speakers’ skin color. That kind of content requires some type of secret magical recipe of perspectives. I don’t know what they’re doing over there at The View, but they’re doing something right.
4. 90s Teen Hits
What can I say? I’m a 90s-2000s kid. Where the hell do I begin? I love them all. Too much to talk about here. I could probably even write an entirely separate post on the subject. From the most popular American Pie movies, all the way to the deeper-cut Buffy the Vampire Slayer series,.there aren’t many I don’t enjoy, and why wouldn’t I? I would say this era of teen-genre hits took place during the peak of misogynistic sexual objectification in the media, but then Lady Gaga and Hannah Montana happened, so maybe not.
I remember jerking off to so many things on television back then. Stuff that wouldn’t even begin to tickle my pickle seeing them now. You can’t sit there and tell me you never watched Christina Aguilera’s “Dirty” video or Britney’s “I’m a Slave” and never once popped a woody. It didn’t help either that KISS FM was playing the mechanically researched pop tunes all day on the radio, and then MTV and VH1 were overlaying the melodies with meticulously placed images of oily, nude body parts flashing before our faces on the TVs at home until finally– uhh! I even had a friend who was caught rubbing one out while lying on the carpet with his mom reading a book on the couch in the same room. I feel bad for making fun of him now that I’m remembering how much they sold the idea of sex to us kids. But then again, he never should have told anyone about that.
3. Jersey Shore
God Donald Trump? for reality TV. Anytime we feel that dark sinking pit of apathy, closing over us, there’s reality TV to the rescue to save us with someone else’s just as pointless and nonsensical narratives. The saving grace is this: they’re pointlessness is marketable to idiots like me, so we all watch and we laugh at all the nonsense and allow the pointlessness to fill the pointless holes in our pointless souls.
“The short tubby one did what?! Haha. She’s hilarious.”
“Oh, the two hot ones in the relationship are fighting again? Oh, no!”
“Who hooked up in the hot tub?! Say what?”
Thank you Jersey Shore. I will sleep well tonight knowing that Pauly D is getting laid and the Situation isn’t. I wonder what will happen next season?!
2. Pop-punk Music
Look, I’m sorry, but middle-class white kids can hate their lives, too. Impoverished minorities don’t have a monopoly on reasons to be sad, so when pop-punk came along, I finally had an outlet to express my tortured teen angst. One day I was happy, jamming out to the Spice Girls because it was on the radio, nothing going, Hakuna Matata, and then the next, I’m listening to angry guitars and crashing drums with lyrics about spilling apple juice in the hall… please tell Mom this is not your fault. Duh-nuh-nuh. Duh-nuh-nuh. You know the tune.
And then I thought, “huh? I’ve felt like this before…” And before you know it, your hair is black, Senses Fail is the most hardcore band of tough guys but they’re accessible because of their feelings, and all your friends are drawing fake tattoos on their wrists with sharpies, getting piercings with giant needles from Hot Topic, and wearing tight, skinny jeans made for women, but you can’t because you have a conservative father who might disown you, and then where would you be? Damn you, world!
1. Doing Nothing
What the hell is wrong with doing nothing? People are seriously fucking deluded in thinking that every second of every day needs to be occupied with blinking screens, chatty friends with ailing dramas, moving settings with stand-in character extras. Shut the fuck up and just stare at a wall for a second. Put your phone away, turn off the tv, tell your friends you need some god-damn alone time, and just sit. Do nothing. It feels really good. You’ll think of the most random things that you probably haven’t thought of in years. Things like the time you peeked under your teacher’s dress in first grade, and you didn’t know it was wrong, but you also knew it wasn’t right because it kinda felt good and you liked it…