5 lies to tell on the first date– and an unrelated apology

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When I started brainstorming some ideas for a new post this afternoon, I began listing off ideas before I stopped and had a laugh. It occurred to me that it might be appropriate to compose a new piece with an apology to my Facebook followers for all the political shit-spewing I’ve been submitting them to over the last few months.

I’m normally not that kind of media user, but with the stakes as high as they were in the recent election, I felt like I needed to express myself loud and often. I also suspect that in the process, my parents may have become my only Facebook friends who haven’t yet un-followed me, and since they tend to vote red, I felt it all the more pertinent to put my political views on blast. You know, maybe change some minds by insulting the shit out of them everyday after work.

Well… anyway.

I suppose, an apology is in order: Facebook friends, I’m sorry about all that. I suddenly found myself single, fresh out of a breakup, and with a suddenly tremendous amount of free time… which brings me to the main post.

I’m single and dating again, and with Valentine’s approaching, I thought I’d write a post about dating. Specifically, I thought a piece about lying on the first date would make an entertaining piece. I must preface this, however, by emphasizing that these lies are harmless in the right context. These lies aren’t the ‘no, my roommate and I are just friends; I promise she’s not my ex’ type of lies. These lies are only as harmless as one allows them to be. If you’re just trying to get laid, and you’ll say whatever it takes, well then, the truth can be just as harmful than a lie if that’s what you’re playing at…

So here we are…

5 harmless lies to tell on the first date if you want to get a second:

5. “Take me rock climbing.”

This was a line I used on my tinder profile that was getting matches with every-single-swipe to the right. I was on fire with this one. It took me a while to figure this one out, though. I guess when ‘I like to smoke weed and watch Netflix’ doesn’t work enough times, one learns soon enough how important it is to actually convey to potential dates that you actually like doing exciting and interesting activities.

Now, there is a caveat. If you go with this approach, you might eventually have to go rock-climbing. Now, maybe you actually wouldn’t mind that. But I’m targeting a certain audience, so my assumption is that rock climbing sounds like a nightmare. If this is the case, you’ll have to be creative enough to keep your date interested with however many ‘interesting’ dates that it takes in order to take the relationship into the sweet spot, also known as the ‘always wearing sweatpants* and never leaving home again’ phase, that we all strive to stay in once we finally make it there. It might be easier to just go rock climbing and get it over with. It’s not terrible…

*damn, I want these

4. “Oh, you saw Local Natives, tonight? Awesome.”

This is one I used to pick up someone at the bar.  She was a dreamy girl. Nice smile, very fit. She was obviously a hipster-type. She was wearing tight cut-off blues and probably something like that one Iron Maiden shirt that everyone wears in vintage fashion, but the shirt sells in every single Target location I’ve ever been in.

The lie of course is that at the time, I had no idea who Local Natives were. When I asked her how her night was going, I all of a sudden became a Local Natives fan inferring, both from the context of the conversation, but also her generally hip appearance, that this was an indie- rock band. Indie-rock bands are only cool if no one has ever heard them before. But if you’ve never heard an indie-rock band before, you’re a fuckin’ normy and not worth anyone’s time. Especially if that anyone is so fuckang kewllll. This one hurt for a bit…

3. “I haven’t dated in awhile.”

This one is a no-brainer. If you really haven’t dated in a while, well it’s better to just own it and be confident about it. It’ll ease a lot of pressure to impress the first time you… you know.

But, if it’s a lie, well, the other person will likely admire the sensibility and openness. So there you have it, you’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A hunter weakening an adversarial predator luring it’s prey under disguise of wounded prey. Yes, misogyny. It’s awful, I know. We’re more humane without it, but deep-down, we’re still animals in very real ways.

2. “I work in marketing.”

This is a solid line. Not all of us have the most exciting careers. Here’s looking at you Human Resources. So, for some people, it-is-out-of-necessity to lie about your job to impress a date. It-is-required if you don’t have a job at all. If you’re unemployed and dating, you’d be better off just spending your money buying sex from a professional as opposed to taking dates out night after night, buying dinner and drinks, only to be denied when the career question arises. No person wants to be with a sad-sap, jobless loser.

And anyone can work in marketing, so this line works on several levels. First, marketing can sound kind of complicated to someone who doesn’t work in the field. Don’t worry, though, you can easily talk about nothing while also talking about marketing because it’s also a pretty simple concept: sell things to people. There’s so much room for bullshitting there (that’s what everyone who sells is selling) that it’s too easy not to throw in for discussion. If you’re date is also in marketing, well then you’re both bullshitters and you should get along just fine.

1. “I’m a drug dealer.”

Alright, this one really only works on a special type of person– the type who like drugs. I must say, though, that the first– and only, time I used the line I didn’t even mean to. I was being coy on purpose; I don’t recall why exactly, but I’ll try anything at least once. Anyhow, she questioned if I was a drug dealer because of the aloof approach. And then, I didn’t even have to lie to her. She just took my silence as affirmative, later making out with me in an attempt to score. She eventually realized though, after the third five-second-frencher, that I in fact was not a drug dealer and therefore had no drugs. That one obviously isn’t a play for the long game, but… they were very nice kisses, I guess.

Before I leave you, I must remind that these lies are told within harmless contexts. Don’t lead someone to believe you’re someone you’re not. After the first date, if you continue to see someone you lied to, just admit that you only did it to impress. The right person will admire the creativity, and the honesty in coming clean about it.

5 Valentine’s ideas for the Nihilist in your life

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Let’s face it. Valentine’s Day is pretty gay. Yeah, I said it. It’s gay. And I mean that in a derogatory context, too. Gay. Gay. Gay.

Gay as in happy and joyful, of course, what did you think I meant?

If you’re a nihilist, gaiety can be just down right miserable.

But nihilism doesn’t have to demand a constant neglect of all things joyful. So, Nihilists, feel free to celebrate this Valentine’s. There’s never a good reason to avoid expressing messages of goodness toward one another, and Valentine’s is always a perfect excuse to do just that. Put your depression on hold for a day and spread some love.

Just get over it, Nihilists. Try being gay for a night. You might like it.

5 Valentine’s ideas for the Nihilist in your life:

5. Have a relaxing night at home

Stay home. The world is a dark and terrible place. Make a pasta dinner with wine, cheese and fresh fruits, smoke a bowl, snuggle up, and watch a movie together. If you can, never leave home again. Don’t forget to stock up on cocoa puffs and wear your softest sweatpants.

Some classic Nihilist films to feed your dread on such a disgustingly wonderful day: Fight Club, Harold and Maude, American Beauty, American Psycho, Donnie Darko, or my personal favorite

4. Be spontaneous

Spontaneity may be a Nihilist’s kryptonite as we don’t tend to engage well with the unknown, but we could all use a little kick in the pants every now and then to remind us why we haven’t turned out the lights yet. Though life may be pointless, a little enjoyment here and there never harmed anyone.

Get on the first ride out of town. Go to the airport and just hop the next flight out. With sites like airbnb, hostelworld, and couchsurfer, and ride share programs like lyft and uber, taking a quick weekend trip is entirely feasible on such short notice. If a place is big enough for an airport, there are bound to be easy options for transportation and lodging.

Or… be spontaneous in the bedroom. Talk about trying something new with your partner. Visit an adult website together if you need some ideas. Or you and your partner can peruse the shelves at the local sex shop. Buy something interesting. Get a toy, a costume, or a game. You’ll even get a little excited just looking at all there is to offer. And there is a lot to offer. People design and sell some of the oddest things.

3. Be reflective

If there’s one thing a Nihilist loves- I mean hates to love… it’s thinking. Sooner or later all thoughts lead down a dark, endless hole of despair. Ah, the bliss of ignorance. Those were happier times…

There’s no better way to get a good think on than to go on a walk. Go to your local park or city center. Get out into nature and see all the living-soon-to-be-dying things. Browse the local markets or grab a Cinnabon and people-watch at the local shopping mall. That’ll tickle your Nihilist pickle, and make you wish you were dead.

Or just start walking from the front steps of your home. Don’t go with a plan or a set direction. Just walk. See how far you go. You never know where you might end up. Could be in the dumpster at the end of a dark alley, or a gorge at the bottom of a rocky cliff. But don’t forget to enjoy the conversation and the scenery along the way!

Another reflective gesture is the gift of a book. But don’t just give a book. Give a book that you’ve already read and loved. Mark your favorite passage. Write an inscription. Explain how the book is so much better than the movie. If it’s a used book, it’ll have all the more character. It’ll be like gifting a story within a story.

If you want to gift a new book, might I suggest F**k it: The Ultimate Spiritual Way or, the aptly priced at $6.66, Neo-Nihilism: The Philosophy of Power.

Of course there are always more ‘hallucin-esque’ activities if you have the means and resources that are plenty reflective and romantic as well.

2. Be generous

Instead of spending on a date or a gift, there is no better way to warm a cold Nihilist heart giving to a good cause. You can donate to a charity, for example. There are plenty of good charities you can donate to from the web that are always in need. Or you can always find good local foundations and donate directly to your community.

You could also volunteer your time. Spend a few hours at the humane society. The animals always need someone to take them out for a little bit. You can serve at a local kitchen, spend time with the elderly at nursing homes or with sick children and wounded veterans at an area hospital. Nothing beats giving someone else your attention, time, and energy.

You can always browse crowdfunding sites, too. Oftentimes, if you donate enough money, you can get some pretty interesting gifts in return. Helping someone else’s dream come true will grow your shrinking heart to two sizes too big.

1. Be creative

When Nihilists aren’t contemplating our lack of purpose in the universe, we’re probably expressing ourselves creatively with art and culture. Pick a medium and make something with your partner. You could try painting each other’s portrait without looking at the canvas, or you could write a poem about how much you loathe one another. Art kits and packages are easy and simple if you’re not an art hobbyist, but still interested in making it a romantic activity. Try something like this from Art 101 or this one from Royal and Langnickel if a built-in easel sounds appealing.

Or take your art on the road. Make it an outdoor activity at the park or in the square. Get inspired at a museum or a local university. Just get out and live your life, even if there is no point.

Valentine’s is really like any other day if you’re a Nihilist, pointless. But hey, give feeling good a shot for a change. You can brood any day. Valentine’s happens once a year.